top 25 Report/January 6 To 12, 2019

This page contains material that is kept because it is considered humorous. Such material is not meant to be taken seriously.

Don't forget to read the Annual Top 50 Report for 2018

Prepared with commentary by Stormy clouds

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Views Ain't Nothing But a Number

Did you seriously think that the wave of major sexual assault allegations coming to light against famous and acclaimed individuals petered out last year? Me too. As it transpires, I was both incorrect and oblivious. And so, in a time where evil mega-corporations decide to wield "woke"ness as a marketing tool, the report is topped by another purported predator. We have also seen a spike in interest surrounding American politics as the left have a juvenile Joan of Arc to rally around, and the right have a new duplicitous demon to slay. Nothing better to do in lieu of government work. Reddit supplies a powerful and moving entry, and we also, as ever, have a collection of tales from Tinseltown engrossing Wikipedia's perusers, inspired in part by the Golden Globes, which were tragically terrible in every way. Anyway, I digress - we have a diverse and diverting report this week, and a joy to compile, and hopefully to devour.

For the week of January 6 to 12, 2019, the 25 most popular articles on Wikipedia, as determined from the WP:5000 report were:

Rank	Article	Class	Views	Image	About
1	R. Kelly		2,029,342		Famous for the soundtrack of the Who Fouled Roger Rabbit?, and infamous for an alleged affinity for the young ones, R. Kelly tops this week's iteration of the report. One can only imagine the extent to which he wished he could fly now. The RnB star has seen his career disintegrate before his eyes in the past week, as the bad deeds of his past caught up with him. The turmoil began with, weirdly, the Lifetime network, whose hard-hitting documentary Surviving R. Kelly presented the laundry list of allegations levied against the singer. It also reminded people of his deeply unnerving relationship with Aaliyah. After propelling her to stardom with the awkwardly titled Age Ain't Nothing but a Number, Kelly married the then 15-year old, a monumentally controversial event that the documentary shed new light on, with alleged details emerging that only serve to further diminish and denigrate Kelly for frankly disgusting behaviour. Kelly has seen himself ostracised from the music industry overnight, with a large scale boycott being raised against him and his work in light of the accusations. Aaliyah, meanwhile, tragically died in a plane crash 18 years ago. All this information was garnered by millions of Wikipedia's denizens this week, captivated and shocked by the long gestating, now unfolding controversy.
2	Aaliyah		1,181,030
3	Jeff Bezos		1,128,064		Jeff Bezos is, in my view, the Schrödinger's cat of people. He at once appears welcoming and calculating, benevolent and malevolent, altruistic and greedy. Yes, he is the world's wealthiest man, and that is intensely enviable, but he is simultaneously its baldest. Anyhow, after spending 2018 in his prime, with Amazon reaching a temporary market cap of nearly $1 trillion in September - granted, this has since subsided somewhat, but the company's growth is still immense. However, Bezos has had a less productive start to 2019, announcing his intent to divorce his wife of 25 years, MacKenzie. If funds are split 50-50, as anticipated by the media, the divorce could cost Bezos the equivalent of 500,000 millennia of Amazon Prime - that is a lot of next day delivery and mediocre shows. Put another way, a Triceratops would only have burnt through 13.6% of the funds on Prime if it subscribed at birth till now. Bezos will both have, and have lost $60 billion - poor little cat.
4	Rami Malek		1,075,314		Rami Malek, aside from being the star of a pretty entertaining meme, also expertly captured the essence of Freddie Mercury (#9) in Bohemian Rhapsody. Brought in to replace the Sacha Baron Cohen-sized hole in the production, the actor, who had attracted acclaim for his turn in Mr. Robot, was easily the best part of the film, and was justifiably given a auric award for his efforts. He is now smack bang in the middle of a highly contested race for Best Actor for his crowd-pleasing performance, particularly the powerful recreation of Queen's iconic Live Aid gig.
5	Bird Box (film)		984,213		I decided to actually watch Bird Box, inspired by the consistently massive views the film drew on Wiki English. I then resolved to ignore such trends in future, as thoroughly unamused by the film as I was. Comfortably the worst in the Blind Bullock anthology, it was not difficult to avoid looking at Sandra B in this tepid horror showing. Following in the footsteps of 13 Reasons Why and Sierra Burgess Is a Loser as abjectly awful, atrocious mega-hits on Netflix, the main sentiment I felt sat before the television was not fear, but a sudden longing to journey to a vastly superior quiet place.
6	Government shutdowns in the United States		968,962		As a non-Yank, I am constantly bemused by the state (heh) of American politics, and a system seemingly designed for discontinuity and disfunctionality. Capitol Hill is doing very little to disspell this notion as present, as squabbles between the executive and legislative branches regarding the border wall have led the government to shutdown (again). One can apparently anticipate further disquiet between the House and the White House, given that the mid-terms left in the hands of the Donkey. One such new representative is the captivating Ocasio-Cortez, who is either a radical breath of fresh air or a revolutionary upstarting usurper of order, depending on who you ask. Regardless, as the youngest congresswoman, and one with a highly engaged support base already established, Ocasio-Cortez looks set to be a force in American politics for years to come, hopefully leaving affairs in less cacophonous chaos then how she found them.
7	Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez		824,350
8	You (TV series)		800,029		I haven't seen this show, the newest phenomenon fed to us by our supreme streaming overlords, and the fact that it originates from network which brought you Dance Moms pretty much guarantees that this won't be changing soon, regardless of how much traction it gains on the Report. However, the presence of a highly adept showrunner, one who spear-headed the Arrowverse, indicates that the show may rise above the norm. Its premise seems to revolve around the creepy use of technology - if only there were a better show that scratched the same itch. Avid fans will be pleased to know that there is another series en route soon, so fear not if you have binged to the end.
9	Freddie Mercury		797,331		I had this perfect dream, this dream was me and you.I want all the world to see,a miracle sensation,my guide and inspiration,now my dream is slowly coming true.
10	Aquaman (film)		769,733		Here is a version of the 10 year challenge that I find enjoyable - a mere decade ago, DC's aquatic action star was such a joke that Vincent Chase was even in on it. To the uninitiated, that is a level of lowbrow that approaches the Marianas Trench. (Incidentally and inexplicable involves James Cameron too) Somehow, however, under the astute stewardship of James Wan, and endowed with the ceaseless charisma of its star (#16), Arthur Curry broke out of the mould of punchline to become a bona fide box office behemoth, cracking the elusive billion dollar mark during the week. Ironically, Entourage turned out to be prophetic in this regard, as its Aquaman was the highest grossing film ever. While Momoa's vehicle won't reach such heights, it will become the biggest DC film ever, surpassing both Dark Knights.
11	Trevor Lawrence (American football)		737,664		American football fans are somewhat gluttonous in my experience. They are currently bearing witness to the greatest ever quarterback, a man still at his apex, still at his pinnacle, and in his forties. However, despite the perplexing, vertigo-inducing heights that TB12 continues to reach, the media has already began scouring and scouting the lucrative college scene for the next big thing. Apparently, it is Lawrence. His plaudits are undeniable, as he led the fearsome Clemson Tigers to national glory following a flawless season, the freshman was suitably showered with awards and praise, with pundits rushing to crown him a generational talent, and pondering which NFL franchise may be on the verge of a process to claim him in future drafts.
12	Christian Bale		689,549		The best actor to portray the caped crusader (sorry, Adam), Bale has always been somewhat of a chameleon, and an actor highly devoted to his craft. He shed the pounds in dramatic fashion for The Machinist, then piled them on for American Hustle. He is currently in the public consciousness courtesy of Vice. Once again, as in the former film, an overweight Bale appears alongside Amy Adams, this time under the stewardship of Adam McKay, as he portrays the (insert antonym for likeable here) Dick Cheney, who, as the film's title suggests, served as Vice President under W.
13	Levi Bellfield		689,043		While American viewers reeled in the wake of a hard-hitting documentary series regarding #1, British viewers were sent on similar soul-searching missions by Manhunt, a three part series regarding the infamous murderer of three young women in the early naughties. This led many British readers of Wikipedia to investigate the repulsive subject of the series and his heinous crimes. Bellfield is currently in prison on a rarely, more penal, and thoroughly deserved, whole life order for the murders of Milly Dowler, Marsha McDonnell, and Amélie Delagrange.
14	Deaths in 2019		688,416		Having topped two annual reports in a row, the list of the deceased continues to captivate, as Wikipedians worldwide journey to drove to see which famous personalities have boarded the boat to the place where lost things go.
15	Carol Burnett		638,398		The host of the groundbreaking Carol Burnett Show, it is safe to say that Burnett rivals Lucille Ball as an icon of funny females who found their feet in the formative years of television. The astonishingly talented Burnett returned to the zeitgeist, and apparently to the minds of Wikipedians, courtesy of the Golden Globes. She was awarded the inaugural, and fittingly named, Carol Burnett Award for Achievement in Television by the HFPA, the small screen equivalent of the much coveted Cecil B. DeMille Award. An apt tribute to a living legend of comedy, and a popular pioneer of formats, like the variety show, that remain staples to this day.
16	Jason Momoa		631,903		Look, Momoa has been a staple of the report for weeks on end now, garnering such a tsunami of views throughout December that he reached #20 on the Annual Report. Put another way, you know who he is, and another entry referencing his days as Drogo would be a waste of time, so I shan't beleaguer you with one. Rather, I will reference the fact that he is exceedingly cool, paralleled only by the Rock in terms of matching charisma and an enigmatic personality with a frankly excessive amount of muscle. Be prepared to see Bonet's husband in the inevitable tirade of Aquaman sequels that are on the way to please the predominantly female audience of the first.
17	MacKenzie Bezos		613,857		"Alexa, why is MacKenzie Bezos in the news?" *MacKenzie Bezos, née Tuttle, is the estranged wife of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. They recently filed for divorce, which may entitle her to 50% of her husband's wealth in the absence of a pre-nuptial agreement. "And then Alexa, if the divorce goes through, what would that split amount to?" *The Marvelous Ms. MacKenzie will become the world's wealthiest woman, with a net worth in excess of $60 billion, following the divorce.
18	Sandra Oh		596,458		Sandra Oh shot to the spotlight, and the mind of Wikipedia's readers, courtesy of #22. The actress had an exceedingly busy Sunday, collecting a statuette for her eponymous role in Killing Eve, whilst simultaneously co-hosting alongside Jake Peralta. The duo were somewhat maligned for an underwhelming show, but given that they were inexplicably shelved half-way through the ceremony, they hardly deserve any of the blame for that. Nonetheless, the Canadian has been greatly underappreciated for years, and it is nice to see her receive the recognition and celebrity she has earned courtesy of the superb BBC production.
19	2019 AFC Asian Cup		589,528		More football, folks, as the eyes of the world turn to the United Arab Emirates as the Asian Cup, the AFC's equivalent of AFCON or the Euros is underway. The tournament has already produced some highly noteworthy and memorable moments, from last-minute winners, to India's first win at the tournament in decades. South Korea, spearheaded by their terrifically talented talisman Son Heung-Min, are favourites to go all the way.
20	Glass (2019 film)		579,640		A trilogy two decades in the making, the hype train is gathering speed for M. Night Shyamalan's latest superhero film. Audiences were caught completely off-guard by the ending of Split, which revealed it to be a stealth sequel to the cult hit Unbreakable. The final installment, uniting Professor X with John McClane and Jules Winnfield, has been mauled by critics, but this hasn't dulled expectations amongst the general audience. I would also, given the director's penchant for twists, recommend staying away from the article until you have seen the film - advice that some half million perusers of Wikipedia neglected to follow this week.
21	The last Jew in Vinnitsa		546,982		A poignant and powerful photograph makes the report courtesy of Reddit, and a Redditor who submitted it as a candidate for the greatest photograph in human history. The photograph shows the aftermath of the Einsatzgruppen in the oblast of Vinnitsa during the Second World War, just before the final Jew in the region is executed as part of the Holocaust. In my view, in terms of the sheer pain, tragedy and anguish that this tear-inducing photograph depicts, it is certainly a candidate, and a reminder of the dejected depravity that humanity has the capacity to inflict. Never again.
22	76th Golden Globe Awards		538,792		The Golden Globes are often referred to, in a demeaning fashion, as the "Drunk Oscars". Unlike the Academy Awards, which usually (not always) go to worthy films, the cinematic connoisseurs of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association seem to derive sadistic pleasure from making stupid calls, most infamously declaring a film about a dejected Damon a comedic romp for the ages. This year's awards were similarly ludicrous, with the much maligned Bohemian Rhapsody inexplicably taking home the award for Best Drama, in spite of being a fictionalised, mediocre, extremely by-the-numbers mess. Hopefully, the actually competent films have better luck in the Dolby Theatre.
23	Cody Parkey		519,881		An old joke that has done the rounds for a while goes as follows. Baby Bear has taken the stand in court to discuss his ongoing custody hearing with a judge. The judge asks if he wishes to live with Papa Bear, an offer Baby Bear adamantly and instantaneously refuses - "Papa Bear always beats me", he says. Similarly, when asked if Mama Bear would be a suitable alternative, he states that Mama Bear always beats him. Finally, the judge asks the ursine victim where he wishes to reside. He says, with some degree of conviction and confidence, "the Chicago Bears - they never beat anybody". Cody Parkey, placekicker for that self-same team, did he best to preserve the context of the joke at Soldier Field as he missed a crucial 43-yard field goal attempt, ensuring that the put-upon franchise was dispatched from the playoffs at the first hurdle, on home turf, much to the bemusement of this patriotic gridiron fan. The best jokes are rooted in fact, after all.
24	Anne, Queen of Great Britain		510,830		The fact that this article lies at the confluence of two of Wikipedia's favourite (just can't pun enough) areas - members of the British royal family and historical figures depicted in Hollywood biopics - indicates that Anne is set for a lengthy reign in the Top 25. The final Stuart to rule Britain, Anne is best remembered for having 17 children, none of whom reached adulthood, and for overseeing the implementation of the first Acts of Union, the first step towards the creation of the United Kingdom as it is today (for now). She died without an heir, leaving charge of the nation to a procession of German Georges. Anne is depicted rather excellently by Olivia Colman in The Favourite (spelt correctly, America). Having seen the film, I can vouch for the performances, while also bemoaning the tedious and tiring nature of the film as a whole. Nonetheless, expect Anne to rule for a while.
25	Bird Box		494,801		It is a book by Josh Malerman. It is similar to Cormac McCarthy's seminal Road. It was adapted into a film starring Sandra Bullock by Netflix. Its title vastly overstates the importance of the birds. It will hopefully fade from the report soon, as I evidently have little to say about it. Please start looking up something else. Or don't - this provides a fun excuse to include pictures of pretty birds.

 

Exclusions

• This list excludes the Wikipedia main page, non-article pages (such as redlinks), and anomalous entries (such as DDoS attacks or likely automated views). Since mobile view data became available to the Report in October 2014, we exclude articles that have almost no mobile views (5–6% or less) or almost all mobile views (94–95% or more) because they are very likely to be automated views based on our experience and research of the issue. Please feel free to discuss any removal on the talk page if you wish.

Note: If you came here from the Signpost article, please take any discussion of exclusions to this article's talk page.